Yesterday, I ran into a man that just naturally makes me laugh or smile. I smile because he is one who is just naturally being himself. I find joy in knowing people who are able to be who they truly are inside and express it outwardly. People come in many forms but, we tend to wear masks most of the time. It is rare that a person feels comfortable enough to express themselves fully, especially so around strangers or acquaintances. It is a joy to experience the presence of such a person, mainly because it is so difficult for me to do the same. I am the personality that is often called shy, aloof or quiet. I tend to struggle with expression of my true nature, being intensely sensitive to criticism and rejection. I appreciate and thank God for the godly, for they see beyond my awkwardness into the Spirit that dwells within me. Sometimes, my outward appearance and actions often seem to be saying the opposite of what I am feeling inside. Those who seek God and have His Spirit seem to see into my heart. They can see that my heart desires to relate, connect and speak to them. I for one, am truly grateful that Jesus went out of his way to go to those who the rest of the world stays away from or just plainly doesn’t see.
Now, as for my friend that I was talking about. At one point in the conversation, as we were talking he suddenly told me that I was a very beautiful woman. I thanked him. For what person such as me gets told that I am very beautiful? Have I ever? Except for, maybe-as a pickup line? So, I looked him in the eye to make sure (asking God in my head) and he told me it again, and I could tell that it was a sincere compliment. Sincere compliments are a gift from God. So, I teared up a little and thanked him from my heart. But, then he said something else. And it made me sad at first. He said, you are very beautiful but, you are an intimidating woman. You are set apart by God. An insecure man is afraid to have you. It is much easier for men of this world to go after the women who offer themselves with their low-cut tops and low-waisted jeans. They are so easy to get. An insecure man pursues things of this world, and goes for what is easy. The true godly men are rare. Godly men have what it takes to pursue a woman of God. That is why you cannot find a man for you. You must ask God to bring the man to you. Now, I was sad at this point. For the desire inside every heart is to be known.
I am in the constant process of wanting to make myself a better woman. To turn from the things of this world. In essence, I have been set apart. The sad thing is, even though I sanctify my life to God, many men who approach me do not do the same. Why should I go to the trouble of wanting to keep myself pure for a man who is not himself pure? Why go through the agony of waiting? Because, I want to know and be known. A man may want me but does not respect me as a woman. Why know a woman’s heart when you can for a short time possess her body? Why work for something when you can get another thing for free?
I belong to God. He is my Father who watches over me and protects me. Traditionally, if a man was interested in a woman, that man would ask the father of the woman he is interested in and get the father’s approval to be able to court her. After that and with the father’s blessing he could pursue the woman. The man would approach the woman and ask her to be his wife. If she accepted he would court her and build a home for them. But, they could not consumate the marriage until the father approved of the house the man was building. When the father approved of the home the man had built, then the woman was able to go to the man and become one with him. Should I not keep myself for a man such as this?
Romans 8:4 AMP So that the righteous and just requirement of the Law might be fully met in us who live and move not in the ways of the flesh but in the ways of the Spirit (our lives governed by the standards and according to the dictates of the flesh but controlled by the Holy Spirit).
1 Corinthians 3:16-17 AMP Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple.
1 Corinthians 15:28 AMP However, when everything is subjected to Him, then the Son Himself will also subject Himself to (the Father) Who put all things under Him, so that God may be all in all (be everything to everyone, supreme, the indwelling and controlling factor of life).
2 Corinthians 6:16 What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people."
Hebrews 6:18 AMP This is so that, by two unchangeable things (His promise and His oath) in which it is impossible for God ever to prove false or deceive us, we who have fled (to Him) for refuge might have mighty indwelling strength and strong encouragement to grasp and hold fast the hope appointed for us and set before (us).
Ephesians 3:16 AMP May He grant you out of the rich treasury of His glory to be strengthened and reinforced with mighty power in the inner man by the (Holy) Spirit (Himself indwelling your innermost being and personality).
Ephesians 5.For instance: 5:33AMP However, let each man of you (without exception) love his wife as (being in a sense) his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband (that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly).
Now, if I have the Holy Spirit indwelling inside of me (and all that entails) how would it be possible for me to do all that is expected in the Ephesians 5 passage that is expected of a wife toward a man who is not under the authority of God? How can I submit to a man, who never asked the permission and blessing of my Father? How can I submit to a man who never asks but takes? A man who hasn’t built his own house cannot put his shelter over me, if he, himself has not built it. And this, my friend is what is "intimidating." Not me, but the one who shelters me. A man who sees this in me is not intimidated by it, he recognizes it because it is the only one that will fit inside the home he has spent time building. I only want to live in that man’s house. It is the only one that would be a home for me.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
My 2007 Blog transferred from MySpace
Well, I have been on MySpace all last year and totally forgot that I had a spot on blogger. So, I decided to transfer it from my MySpace blog.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Singles Under Covering
I am bored and ready to go back to school. I don't like having all this time off. Too much time to think. So, for some strange reason I have been thinking about the subject of coverings. I am thinking more along the lines of being covered like in the protection of the Holy Spirit. But, also the coverings that come from authority. My own church has used the term umbrella to describe spiritual authority. When we stand under the umbrella we are protected and shielded from the arrows of the enemy. When we step out from under that umbrella, we are vulnerable to attack. A vivid mental picture is a person being dry underneath the umbrella, but getting soaked when the venture out from under it.
But, I was taking this thought further. From the perspective of a single woman coming under the spiritual authority of the Holy Spirit. When you walk with the Holy Spirit, life is a journey and you are under His protection. Now during this journey, I have walked into my church. While there, I decide to commit and make it my church. Then I have come under the spiritual authority of the church. For those of you who might doubt the spirit over a church you can get an idea of it in Revelation chapters 2 and 3. There is a spiritual hierarchy and order in God's Kingdom. So, the church whose authority I have committed to is somewhere in this hierarchy which is a small part of the larger body of Christ.
Now, years ago, I started praying for a husband. But, I was not yet committed to any particular body. Always moving around, having not put myself under any particular authority, nor submitting to a larger body of believers in love. So, I never understood why I could not find a godly man. Well, you might say: Duh, child of God, you haven't settled down. You are out yonder a wonderin' and can't be found. So, a few years later, I finally get to the place where I want to be rooted and find a home church. I stay for a while. Now here I am. I come to certain passages in the Bible where God is angered because the Sons of God took foreign women. For instance Ezra 9. God calls marriage with those not his own as being unfaithful. So, God does not like us to marry outside the body. Which basically, he is telling us not to marry someone who is not blood of HIS blood, nor flesh of HIS flesh. Now this is wild thinking. We have all heard the scripture not to be unequally yoked. But, do we really comprehend why? Maybe, you have heard or know that it might be for our physical and spiritual protection.
I am under His protection. I am under this hierarchy of protection and love. But, I am also under the spiritual protection and authority of my church. Now think in the larger spiritual perspective of looking for a spouse. Now, if I go outside my church of which this certain part of the larger body of Christ I make up, I must look for another part of the same body. So, I cannot go to a club or some other social element that is secular. It is like trying to pull some other foreign object into your own body. Like body piercings. They stick out of our body, but they are not made of the same thing and don't blend into the body-so the body treats it as foreign matter.
Currently listening : All That Is Within Me By Mercy Me 7:05 PM -
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Thanksgiving Thanks.
I believe that our mind creates our reality. I am a firm believer that it also is a doorway for all kinds of things. We can allow a spirit of deception. Whether we do it ourselves or allow a some other spirit in that shouldn't be there.
Do I believe that there is a spirit world? Oh yeah. Do I have it all figured out? No. I wish I did. I suppose I need to pray about this more. As it is becoming apparent to me that the scriptures in the Holy Bible are truth. Check this out from the NLT:
Ephesians 6:12-For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms.
I think that spirit is in all things. There are many kinds of spirits, some that bring life and serve God. Then there are other spirits that bring death and they serve Satan. I know that human beings allow these things through what they do with their bodies and what they think in their minds. Unfortunately, I sometimes succumb to spirits that do not bring me life. As a matter of fact, they can cause an intense amount of suffering and pain, just by allowing them into my mind. And so I suffer mentally which in turn can bring on physical symptoms.
Remember when I talked about my crush? Well, a friend and I was talking and I was saying why on Earth do I have a crush on Him? He is crude. A true diamond in the rough-certainly in need of a good polishing by God. He knows the Bible better than I, but, he shows little evidence of spirituality or even some kind of growth in God. His working, everyday knowledge seems to be just in his head and not in his heart. I try to find common ground to talk to him, but his mind is on worldly things. And runs off seeking contact with those of the world. And how well I know the danger of being attracted to a man who doesn't even desire to grow with God. I am bewildered as to my fascination with him because my friend, she is not attracted to him at all. So we talked about other things and eventually the subject switched to spirit. She then suddenly turned and looked at me and said, what if my crush is something in the spirit? A connection that somehow happened in the spirit realm? So, I tried to think back. What was going on spiritually with me when the meeting took place and I felt the "attraction?" Did I open the door to something I should not have so that at the moment I met him it came in? But, I see a man who, if he would just combine his head knowledge with a heart knowledge of God. . . Oh, well. What does it matter what I see in him? Lord, knows if such a man would even care to know? And to think, that if I had given up prayer and I did not have the Holy Spirit looking out for me along with admitting this weakness to my sisters and brothers in Christ, I would have devoted myself to such a man. I say again, I would have devoted myself to such a man.
I cry out to God Most High, to the God who does everything for me. He sends help from heaven, and saves me. He punishes those who chase me. Selah. God sends me His love and truth. Psalm 57:2-3 NCV
In this painful time, I must remember to be thankful and remember to praise HIM. So, I thank God for my brothers and sisters in Christ. Without your prayers and your alertness to fight the good fight, how else would I make it out alive? Such a wrestling inside of me. Because, once a suffering one is down, how many of you know it is in this weakness that things in the physical realm manifest that bring on even more suffering? Like family and friendship problems, school, financial and things of that nature? There is a reason why we fellowship and seek one another out. Whether in church or online. The truth of the matter is: WE NEED ONE ANOTHER. So, no matter what, I want you to be encouraged this holiday. Because what you do matters. Your prayers, whether it is long and elegant or short and sweet really does matter. Do you see yourself as muscular and powerful or small and weak? Either way, in the spirit realm, you are a warrior and through HIM you are made powerful. For he is our Source. He is the SWORD and the SHIELD. He is Mighty To Save. I am thankful to my God, so I will praise Him with thanks in my heart. For who else but Him would love me in my weakness? How great is our God, who takes the time to lean down and listen to me. How great and wonderful He is. Too wonderful for me to comprehend His great love for us. He is amazing. Thank you, My LORD. 5:26 PM -
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Indiana Jones and His Treasure
Wednesday night at church I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time. There was the stirrings of something that I had forgotten. A little tug in my heart and the calling to rememberance of an old memory. It left me wondering if it was just a minor thing or if it is a stirring brought on by God. There was a little call to attention in my spirit. Just a gentle one that caused me to be alert and listen for clues. It is like God created a puzzle and it is up to me to fit it into place. What if God is up to something? I want to make sure that I take in everything so I won't miss a thing. I watched with anticipation trying to guess what could happen next. But, it was such a gentle stirring and if I didn't guess it correctly, that is okay, because like a movie about adventure or discovery, I was keeping alert to the very end. Inside my spirit opened up and I was ready, just in case God was going to take me on an adventure. Then I watched as the thing that caused the stirring was then laid gently aside in my sight just to get me thinking about what could God be up to? Do I need to pack my bags, so to speak, God? Well, provide the way and the means. Give me a ride and take care of the details, even those things that I may not be aware of. My heart says I am ready. God has to iron out the details and then I will go and do. Alright God. Don't tease me with the promise of adventure! It is like the old Indiana Jones movies. Indiana Jones profession was a professor, but then when he was called to discover a treasure or a find (like the lost Ark of the Covenant), he became an adventurer and set off to go do it. After much adventure with his sidekicks, a pretty girl (with some comic misadventure) and some fighting and escaping his enemies, Indiana Jones found the treasure that he was sent to find. But, Indiana did not keep those treasures or finds for himself. He always wanted to give them to a museum. So, that everyone could enjoy those finds. So, God what am I supposed to find and what service is a treasure to be given back to you? God equip me and reassure this insecure one. Annoint me to do your will. What do you want me to do with the stirring of an old memory? How will it help today? Will it come to be or is it just a dream or insignificant thing?
I can remember saying yes to God on small things and then He literally taking care of finances or even providing a ride and that is how I knew for certain it was His will. But, what about something bigger? What about a call to missions or yes, even a call to marriage? What if I just say yes to God and let Him take care of the details and I will do my best to prepare and just go when it is literally time to take up my backpack and just go? What if God is just giving me a heads up so that I won't be suprised when He starts to move on my behalf? And then, because I said I would by my own literal saying "YES!" to Him, He will open those doors wide to a woman ready and joyfully walking right through them. Anyway, we shall see...
Currently listening : Road To Jerusalem By Various Artists Release date: 07 June, 2005 1:54 PM
I hear the cry of the heart in the song and it sounds like my own heart's cry. My jaws clench teeth and I can feel the back teeth mash together. My throat hurts with agony as I listen to the disappointing sound spring from my lips. I want so bad to sing my love to my Lord. My God. I feel the breeze gently pull my hair around while I drive. Tears well up in my eyes. I try to speak to God but it just sqeeks out :"Father, I wish that I could sing in a beautiful voice to you." I find it hard to speak. How wretched that I can not sing with a voice like an angel! That is what my Father deserves. But, I can not offer Him that. My voice stills and tears fall. All I can offer Him is my emotions that stir in love for Him that is brought on by the sound of a singer's voice that I can not imitate along with the desire for God to be pleased by my own voice. What can I offer Him that stirs the spirit like a wonderful song? My heart sings to Him but my voice sounds nothing like the sound of my heart. What a strange conundrum. I wonder if He hears the song of my heart better than the sound of my voice? One thing the Holy Spirit has showed me is that those singers who truely can move people are those who can do both: They have a beautiful voice and they can sing with their heart. This is singing in the Spirit. There is a point when a singer is singing from their heart and they are singing with the Holy Spirit. Maybe, this is singing in Spirit and in Truth. That is true praise and true worship. There is such power and beauty in it. A person who can do such things can move an entire congregation to stand and rejoice or even to weep. I wonder if a person can be gifted with this and it happens everytime they sing, or does it only happen at certain times. Maybe, it depends on the Spirit's mood or His plan at that time. Are there those who have this gift permanently or does it come and go?Isaiah 13:4-5(NCV)Listen to the loud noise in the mountains, the sound of many people. Listen to the noise among the kingdoms, the sound of nations gathering together. The LORD All-Powerful is calling his army together for battle. This army is coming from a faraway land, from the edge of the horizon. In anger the LORD is using this army like a weapon to destroy the whole country.Psalm 42:1-2(NCV)As a deer thirsts for streams of water, so I thirst for you, God. I thirst for the living God. When can I go to meet with him?Psalm 40:3-5(NCV)He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many people will see this and worship him. Then they will trust the LORD. Happy is the person who trusts the LORD, who doesn't turn to those who are proud or to those who worship false gods. LORD my God, you have done many miracles. Your plans for us are many. If I tried to tell them all, there would be too many to count.
Currently listening : Mighty to Save By Hillsong Release date: 05 September, 2006 4:18 PM -
Friday, February 09, 2007
Young, in college and grown up?
Well, I found myself wondering about them. Occasionally, I would glace over or hear their whispers and laughter. If they saw me looking, they would glance away like they were not doing anything. I would see someone imitating my body language and then there would be laughter. Oh, yes, to hear the talk of those who consider themselves more "cool" than I. They talk with "big" talk, making sure that they let the "F-word" or some other off-color word fly out of their mouths. You know, for that extra-cool emphasis. I found myself getting insecure, which always seems to happen when I am suddenly the object of behind-the-back attention. I am reminded of high school. That behavior that comes from those who are at that age that is supposed to be too grown up for the grown-ups. To be found that I am the object of unwanted attention, at the moment. I get this from different teenagers, like those teenage boys who are trying to impress their girlfriends by making fun of me. Or, those insecure teenage girls trying to impress their friends by insulting my looks. I remember this summer: I was going into Old Navy and there was 4 teenagers that were on their way out of that store. Picture this: one loud, teenage boy who was dressed in clothes that looked entirely too big for him(I know this is the style-guys too baggy, girls too tight), worn out, baggy pants with holes, with hair that looked like he just came out of a wind tunnel, loudly proclaiming: "Oh, look a dead poodle is on her head," at which point they all burst out laughing. This was to describe my newly permed hair. Well, I found myself talking to the Lord and I found out I had to repent. You see, I used to do the same thing. One thing I remember, as I was growing up, hanging out with my friends, is the conversations we used to have. We were so insecure. I would pick out someone who I thought was uglier than me and make fun of them. I was cruel. My favorite thing was to find a girl who I thought was prettier than me, then I would find something wrong with the way she looked. I would share it with my friends and we would laugh out loud-to something that just wasn't funny, nor was it right. Believe it or not, I have asked the Lord to forgive me for these kinds of stupid things that I have done. And this is one of them! What does it say about my character to be so mean? And even worse, to know that I still do it. Maybe, not to the same extent, but, sadly I still do it. I excuse it by making fun of a movie star or television personality. But, it still is not right. I am still in need of refinement! Man, I am reminded to praise God! Why would he want a wretch like me? Amazing Grace how sweet the sound! He has been my source of strength in my insecure times. Yeah, I thank God for his Holy Spirit living in me to help me become a better woman. And look, the LORD is still having to work on me with a thing that I thought I was too grown up to do. I wonder how many of us adults indulge in this behavior from time to time and excuse it as something else? Who would have thought that God would use my returning to college to be a work on my character?
Proverbs 16:2-You may believe you are doing right, but the LORD will judge your reasons.
Psalm131-LORD, my heart is not proud; I don't look down on others. I don't do great things, and I can't do miracles. But, I am calm and quiet, like a baby with its mother. I am at peace, like a baby with its mother. People of Isreal, put your hope in the LORD, now and forever.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Singles Under Covering
I am bored and ready to go back to school. I don't like having all this time off. Too much time to think. So, for some strange reason I have been thinking about the subject of coverings. I am thinking more along the lines of being covered like in the protection of the Holy Spirit. But, also the coverings that come from authority. My own church has used the term umbrella to describe spiritual authority. When we stand under the umbrella we are protected and shielded from the arrows of the enemy. When we step out from under that umbrella, we are vulnerable to attack. A vivid mental picture is a person being dry underneath the umbrella, but getting soaked when the venture out from under it.
But, I was taking this thought further. From the perspective of a single woman coming under the spiritual authority of the Holy Spirit. When you walk with the Holy Spirit, life is a journey and you are under His protection. Now during this journey, I have walked into my church. While there, I decide to commit and make it my church. Then I have come under the spiritual authority of the church. For those of you who might doubt the spirit over a church you can get an idea of it in Revelation chapters 2 and 3. There is a spiritual hierarchy and order in God's Kingdom. So, the church whose authority I have committed to is somewhere in this hierarchy which is a small part of the larger body of Christ.
Now, years ago, I started praying for a husband. But, I was not yet committed to any particular body. Always moving around, having not put myself under any particular authority, nor submitting to a larger body of believers in love. So, I never understood why I could not find a godly man. Well, you might say: Duh, child of God, you haven't settled down. You are out yonder a wonderin' and can't be found. So, a few years later, I finally get to the place where I want to be rooted and find a home church. I stay for a while. Now here I am. I come to certain passages in the Bible where God is angered because the Sons of God took foreign women. For instance Ezra 9. God calls marriage with those not his own as being unfaithful. So, God does not like us to marry outside the body. Which basically, he is telling us not to marry someone who is not blood of HIS blood, nor flesh of HIS flesh. Now this is wild thinking. We have all heard the scripture not to be unequally yoked. But, do we really comprehend why? Maybe, you have heard or know that it might be for our physical and spiritual protection.
I am under His protection. I am under this hierarchy of protection and love. But, I am also under the spiritual protection and authority of my church. Now think in the larger spiritual perspective of looking for a spouse. Now, if I go outside my church of which this certain part of the larger body of Christ I make up, I must look for another part of the same body. So, I cannot go to a club or some other social element that is secular. It is like trying to pull some other foreign object into your own body. Like body piercings. They stick out of our body, but they are not made of the same thing and don't blend into the body-so the body treats it as foreign matter.
Currently listening : All That Is Within Me By Mercy Me 7:05 PM -
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Thanksgiving Thanks.
I believe that our mind creates our reality. I am a firm believer that it also is a doorway for all kinds of things. We can allow a spirit of deception. Whether we do it ourselves or allow a some other spirit in that shouldn't be there.
Do I believe that there is a spirit world? Oh yeah. Do I have it all figured out? No. I wish I did. I suppose I need to pray about this more. As it is becoming apparent to me that the scriptures in the Holy Bible are truth. Check this out from the NLT:
Ephesians 6:12-For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms.
I think that spirit is in all things. There are many kinds of spirits, some that bring life and serve God. Then there are other spirits that bring death and they serve Satan. I know that human beings allow these things through what they do with their bodies and what they think in their minds. Unfortunately, I sometimes succumb to spirits that do not bring me life. As a matter of fact, they can cause an intense amount of suffering and pain, just by allowing them into my mind. And so I suffer mentally which in turn can bring on physical symptoms.
Remember when I talked about my crush? Well, a friend and I was talking and I was saying why on Earth do I have a crush on Him? He is crude. A true diamond in the rough-certainly in need of a good polishing by God. He knows the Bible better than I, but, he shows little evidence of spirituality or even some kind of growth in God. His working, everyday knowledge seems to be just in his head and not in his heart. I try to find common ground to talk to him, but his mind is on worldly things. And runs off seeking contact with those of the world. And how well I know the danger of being attracted to a man who doesn't even desire to grow with God. I am bewildered as to my fascination with him because my friend, she is not attracted to him at all. So we talked about other things and eventually the subject switched to spirit. She then suddenly turned and looked at me and said, what if my crush is something in the spirit? A connection that somehow happened in the spirit realm? So, I tried to think back. What was going on spiritually with me when the meeting took place and I felt the "attraction?" Did I open the door to something I should not have so that at the moment I met him it came in? But, I see a man who, if he would just combine his head knowledge with a heart knowledge of God. . . Oh, well. What does it matter what I see in him? Lord, knows if such a man would even care to know? And to think, that if I had given up prayer and I did not have the Holy Spirit looking out for me along with admitting this weakness to my sisters and brothers in Christ, I would have devoted myself to such a man. I say again, I would have devoted myself to such a man.
I cry out to God Most High, to the God who does everything for me. He sends help from heaven, and saves me. He punishes those who chase me. Selah. God sends me His love and truth. Psalm 57:2-3 NCV
In this painful time, I must remember to be thankful and remember to praise HIM. So, I thank God for my brothers and sisters in Christ. Without your prayers and your alertness to fight the good fight, how else would I make it out alive? Such a wrestling inside of me. Because, once a suffering one is down, how many of you know it is in this weakness that things in the physical realm manifest that bring on even more suffering? Like family and friendship problems, school, financial and things of that nature? There is a reason why we fellowship and seek one another out. Whether in church or online. The truth of the matter is: WE NEED ONE ANOTHER. So, no matter what, I want you to be encouraged this holiday. Because what you do matters. Your prayers, whether it is long and elegant or short and sweet really does matter. Do you see yourself as muscular and powerful or small and weak? Either way, in the spirit realm, you are a warrior and through HIM you are made powerful. For he is our Source. He is the SWORD and the SHIELD. He is Mighty To Save. I am thankful to my God, so I will praise Him with thanks in my heart. For who else but Him would love me in my weakness? How great is our God, who takes the time to lean down and listen to me. How great and wonderful He is. Too wonderful for me to comprehend His great love for us. He is amazing. Thank you, My LORD. 5:26 PM -
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Indiana Jones and His Treasure
Wednesday night at church I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time. There was the stirrings of something that I had forgotten. A little tug in my heart and the calling to rememberance of an old memory. It left me wondering if it was just a minor thing or if it is a stirring brought on by God. There was a little call to attention in my spirit. Just a gentle one that caused me to be alert and listen for clues. It is like God created a puzzle and it is up to me to fit it into place. What if God is up to something? I want to make sure that I take in everything so I won't miss a thing. I watched with anticipation trying to guess what could happen next. But, it was such a gentle stirring and if I didn't guess it correctly, that is okay, because like a movie about adventure or discovery, I was keeping alert to the very end. Inside my spirit opened up and I was ready, just in case God was going to take me on an adventure. Then I watched as the thing that caused the stirring was then laid gently aside in my sight just to get me thinking about what could God be up to? Do I need to pack my bags, so to speak, God? Well, provide the way and the means. Give me a ride and take care of the details, even those things that I may not be aware of. My heart says I am ready. God has to iron out the details and then I will go and do. Alright God. Don't tease me with the promise of adventure! It is like the old Indiana Jones movies. Indiana Jones profession was a professor, but then when he was called to discover a treasure or a find (like the lost Ark of the Covenant), he became an adventurer and set off to go do it. After much adventure with his sidekicks, a pretty girl (with some comic misadventure) and some fighting and escaping his enemies, Indiana Jones found the treasure that he was sent to find. But, Indiana did not keep those treasures or finds for himself. He always wanted to give them to a museum. So, that everyone could enjoy those finds. So, God what am I supposed to find and what service is a treasure to be given back to you? God equip me and reassure this insecure one. Annoint me to do your will. What do you want me to do with the stirring of an old memory? How will it help today? Will it come to be or is it just a dream or insignificant thing?
I can remember saying yes to God on small things and then He literally taking care of finances or even providing a ride and that is how I knew for certain it was His will. But, what about something bigger? What about a call to missions or yes, even a call to marriage? What if I just say yes to God and let Him take care of the details and I will do my best to prepare and just go when it is literally time to take up my backpack and just go? What if God is just giving me a heads up so that I won't be suprised when He starts to move on my behalf? And then, because I said I would by my own literal saying "YES!" to Him, He will open those doors wide to a woman ready and joyfully walking right through them. Anyway, we shall see...
Currently listening : Road To Jerusalem By Various Artists Release date: 07 June, 2005 1:54 PM
Monday, October 08, 2007
Spread His Light On Single People
I gotta feel frustration. I find there is a sad thing that happens with Christians. And makes me turn more and more to the only one who understands me. I sat looking up at Him and asking Him about this situation. I have went to my fellow sisters in Christ with a prayer need. One that I have prayed ever since my ex-husband left me. A prayer that has gotten refined every year since the separation and divorce. I have gone to my sisters and brothers with prayer needs for healing and job needs for myself and others. And, they will agree with me on that. But, out of all my prayer needs there is one that gets attacked. This prayer need gets shot down and the evil one works through them to bring about a feeling of despair deep inside of me. That eats away at my bones. And the worst thing is, it rips away at my heart and my mind. If I was dying or had a family member dying, my Christian brothers and sisters would be there. If I had an illness or a problem situation at work or school, people would pray. But, this prayer need is not considered important. When I request it, my character in Christ actually gets questioned. My "maturity" level. Or that my "focus" should be either A. Christ, B. School, C. Work, D.All of the Above, E. D and something other than my prayer need. Why do these people think that I am not doing those things? Why does this squelching of my need get tore down? Can you imagine if last year when I came up to someone and asked for healing for my pre-cancer scare if they would have just shrugged the need and gave me the above multiple choices as my options? Your "focus" should not be on your cancer... So, maybe, to meet this need I should sin, just so I can get this need met? I could just go to the local bar, get laid, have an illegitimate child then go to church on Sunday. A single person's desire for a spouse is a legitimate prayer need. My heart cries out for us. When I read of a single person's pain, I hurt with them. When a married person hurts, I hurt with them.
I have actually started going outside my own church asking help from godly men and women who will unite with me in prayer for this need. I find it so sad that I have to ask my aquaintence friends to add me to their prayer lists, because I am starting to think that my prayer need cannot be met in my own church. Even now, it feels me with such sadness to find that I am embarrassed to ask people I know from my church for this particular need because I am afraid they will not take it seriously, because others in the church have not. Because, since I have been saved, this prayer request is always met with excuses as people shrug away my legitimate need. I was recently asked by a classmate who is Catholic if I would like to go to a singles get together with her. I told her that I don't really know anything about Catholicism except what little I have read. She insisted that I didn't have to know. So, I looked at her and said that if they would approve of a non-Catholic and my age(because I know that those are factors with churches), that I would certainly go with her. I am willing to take risks, and try the unknown because I trust in God with all my heart. He knows my desires and doesn't look down on my needs. I find that He is faithful when others are not. Sometimes, we have to just step out there and say: Lord you are the only one who can help me. You are the one who can grant the desires of our hearts. As big as my church is, there are not any single get togethers that I know of. So, I wonder why people don't just agree to help me pray about it. But, they come up with excuses why not to. I wonder sometimes why people continually say: in God's timing, and yet when we have a need for healing, we jump on the ball and cry out to God with all our might. If the longings for a spouse was not a legitimate need then why did God specifically give us Genesis which tells the story of Adam and how God created Eve from Adam's rib. And in Revelation why does Christ come for His Bride? Don't tell me that marriage is not a legitimate need that God does not take seriously. In the beginning, Adam was alone and Single. Hello? God created someone for Adam from Adam. He and She were already one before God created her form. Adam had a need and God met that need from Adam's desire that came from his heart. Why does Christ want to come for His Bride if His needs are already met hanging out in heaven? Dare I say that Christ's needs are not yet met, that is why He prays for her? Continually. Dare I say that God is going to give Christ the desires of His heart? Heck yeah! Praise God!
Don't insult my intelligence with your poo-pooing. We singles are loved by God. DO NOT tell me that he has not heard our cries. That God does not think that I am mature enough or not doing enough. We single men and women have that desire in our heart and Christ our Lord knows it. So unite with me and rebuke the devil who attacks us and tries to rip us apart. I say that I am already married and God has brought my spouse to me. I am made from his side! If you are single unite with me in Spirit and we will believe together that our spouse is with us in Spirit and we are already connected through Christ. Unite with me and believe it. Stop telling us singles that it is not time, or that we are not worthy yet. Stop telling me to Seek the Kingdom! I have found it in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I just want to settle down in the Kingdom and have His children.
Father, why do those who know me best, insult me the most? I hate the negativity and disbelief. Unite me Lord with those who will believe with me for a spouse! Not just any spouse, but a man of God. Do something radical, Lord. Your child cries out. But, I am trusting in You. YOU are my God! Lord, I am calling. My God can do that which seems impossible and make it POSSIBLE!. Let my need be glorified in You! Your Spirit unites us. By your Spirit Lord. And with your protection. In Jesus name, Amen!
Currently listening :
Monday, October 01, 2007
Piercing Rejection
SMACK! JAB! I could feel my heart squeezing and my face reddened. My cheeks were on fire. I saw the darkened eyes that looked right through me this time instead of eyes looking at me with interest and attraction. I watched the retreating person's back. I saw the hand waved in cold dismissal. I felt his cold shoulder like I would have felt a sword cutting through my heart. I turned around and walked the other way. I wouldn't let myself think of it for a while. Instead, I focused on talking to my friends as we met to eat and fellowship. But, later, when I was all by myself and settled into working on my homework, it came back. It was causing me to not be able to concentrate on my homework. REJECTION. That terrible freaking pain that comes from the realizaton that a person who was once attracted to you, is now looking at you like you are a small annoying bug. That needs to be smashed. It sucks. I guess, I should have been better prepared. Which in a way, I had been preparing for it all week. After my last communication with that person last week, I knew after a couple of days, really. I had been watching this person and the subtle shift of that person's actions toward me. I knew that what was once a spark, was now being totally directed to someone else. I was observing the whole process and there was nothing that I could do about it. The guy was growing cold toward me. And it was all in his eyes, you see. There is so much that is communicated in the eyes. Attraction and rejection is communicated in just a matter of seconds. He was no longer looking me deeply into my eyes, his focus was now being moved to someone else. I had made a mistake and it was fixing to become glaringly obvious to me. What was the fire of possibility was now becoming the coolness of winter snow. Which, really, it had been a subtle game play the whole time. The interaction of the sexes. The male surveys the area. He puffs out his chest as he enters the vacinity of the females. Boldly he goes forth. He struts and his chest puffs out in pride when he know that he has gotten the attention of the females. Choosing which females he will keep and which ones he will aim his red spear of rejection at. The mighty male plays around, testing the waters with the different females. WACK! He aimed his red spear and he hit the center of the target. He has decided that he doesn't want me. I don't meet his ideal. But, there is the other girl. His chosen one. Or, so she thinks. What the other girl does not know is he has picked up another spear, just for her and this one he has hidden behind his back. He hasn't decided yet, but, maybe, he will keep that one as a pet. For weeks he will track her as a hunter will track a deer that he has wounded. He will lead her on. This younger, thinner woman thinks she has WON him. By her feminine wiles. She smiles proudly and assuredly. She doesn't know that he does not have good intentions toward her either. So, she walks up beside him. Confidently. She assumes that she has "got" him. I let it go because I don't see the point in fighting for something that just doesn't belong to me. I watch the interplay, and I choose to just let it go. PLEASE God, do not let me fall for fake attraction again. I fall for this because I stupidly think that someone is truly interested in me when they are not. I am at a loss because I do not know the difference between someone who is playing and someone who is sincerely interested. I wish I was smarter. Geeze. Stupid needs. Stupid desires. It comes when you least expect it I wish that I could say that these kinds of things don't bother me. I wish I could tell you that I could just let it roll off of me. But, it doesn't. It hurts like hell. But, then I am only the fool for a short while. The thing is, I have been praying about my attraction to this man since the very first day. I have prayed that my Lord and my God would protect my heart and my mind. So, since the first stirring of attraction, I have been going to God about it. As Christians, we go to God about ALL THINGS. Even in something such as attraction, we need to seek His counsel. God will protect us. He will protect something like a woman's tender heart. Even you men should go to God when you feel those stirrings of attraction. When we feel attraction, we need to seek God so that we can remain pure. You want to be sure that the attraction is spiritual and not just fleshly. If we don't wait on God, where would we find ourselves if we physically acted out the attraction only to find that the one in whom we are attracted is not of God?
Father, God. You continually amaze me. You have my heart, Lord. You care about me so much. Forgive me because I was going to sit here and wallow in self pity and sorrow. But, you are telling me that you love me and want to protect me. You reveal yourself even in this situation and I thank you with all my heart. You are truly the one who cares about every aspect of my life. You concern yourself with my attractions and you care about my pain. I worship you with all my heart. I love you Lord! May your name be praised upon all the earth! Be glorified my King! I offer myself to you with my heart. I am yours, Lover Of My Soul. Thank you. Amen.
Currently listening :
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Life Changing or Ripleys’ Believe It Or Not.
Yeah. Actually, I did have a life changing experience. No. It didn't happen inside a church. A preacher didn't make an altar call and lay hands on me and I didn't get "slain." I wasn't all happy and feeling all lovafied when it happened. I was severly depressed. I was going through the slit my wrists or take pills phase. My ex husband wasn't such a nice guy and he along with his family put me through divorce hell. It took a year and a half before my divorce was finalized. I heard that my ex had proposed to the woman he cheated on me with before he had even brought up the subject of divorce with me. He kicked me out and he was sporting her around town and brought her into a store in which my Aunt worked to buy things for their home. I saw her driving the brand new mustang that my ex husband had supposedly gotten for me.
A short while after the divorce was final, I met a girl who had also got divorced around the same time. And she introduced me to a local club. Then I met other friends who liked to go to other clubs. I learned how to dance, how to dress sexy and how to drink like a fish. I lived for the weekend. At my job I didn't make much but, what I did make I spent all of it on gas, booze and sexy clothes. I was a regular at the club. I loved the loud music and the dancing. I just hated the people. I hated the fake soap opera lifestyle. I liked attention but, at the same time, I hated the lies that so easily rolled out of men's mouths. That was when I found out that men actually say things like: "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen." And then he either is checking out another woman as he is saying it, or having a conversation with your chest. I started drinking so much that I started blacking out. Whole segments of nights were whiped out. My friends told me that I would do this or do that but, to this day I have no recollection. I became depressed Sunday-Thursday. Followed by a high on Friday and Saturday. When none of my friends wanted to go party, I would buy booze and drink until I passed out at home-I still lived with my parents. Then I started thinking about killing myself. I started actually slashing on my wrists. The pain coming from the cuts felt better than the pain in my heart and mind. The weird thing is no one noticed the cuts. I remember at work some girls where watching Dr Phil talking about teenage girls cutting. I remember the cruel things they said. No one understands how a pretty girl could want to end her "promising life." And there on the underside of my wrists were slash marks that they could not or chose not to see. I remember around that time I bought a Bible. I would read His word and I would argue with the voice that tried to love me. On one hand I had my Bible and on the other, I had my tarot cards and fortune telling stuff. I was angry at a God that I did not understand. I most certainly could not understand why a God in heaven would create something as awful as myself and love it. How could a Holy and clean God accept a girl drowning in her own sin? People didn't really like me, just choosing to be superficial in their friendships. People ignored my pain because they didn't want to be brought down with me. But, the worst of all was the talking about me behind my back. You know that stuff that people do- talking about you with others, just loud enough so you can hear their heartless comments. It takes a special kind of love to love those who are like me. And that love is the love of my Savior Jesus Christ. Who better to understand the slashing pain than one who had experienced it himself? I was drowning in sorrow and I was angry so I held one hand up. Daring any God, or any Spirit to just claim me. For anyone or anything to touch it. As the waters got deeper, there was not one human, who was willing to dive in to rescue me. But, I heard voices and they were full of hate or discust. Some of them out of the mouths of people I worked with and sometimes family. At the bottom, lying in the dirt, my face filthy and covered in tears and my wrists bleeding, I reached out to the hem of HIS garment. I grabbed a hold of it. Then, there was the time he knelt down and started drawing in the sand. And He looked at me. And all became quiet. He started to talk to me. And, I started to listen. Through a hazy light I saw something I had never seen before. Was I crazy? Did I hear that right?
I started to listen. Sometimes, I just put my hands over my ears. I couldn't believe anything HE said. You are God and you are a MAN. You cannot love ME. And then the war for me began. He started fighting for me. No one ever fought for me before. A human man never has. But, my Jesus,Yeshua was willing to die for me. There is no greater love than a man who will lay down His life for his sister. But, I did not understand this. In my grief and confusion, I got worse.
Then He sent one of His own, to try to help me. A sister in Christ named Anna. I did not understand this chick at all. I would cuss around her and do all sorts of stuff that was mean. Then she still wanted to talk to me? She wanted to eat lunch with me? She wanted to tell me about her family? She came on break with me. I never heard her talk bad about me or anyone else. She was weird. She was not like anyone I had ever known before. And she went to church. I had never came across a person who went to church that would spend anytime with me at all. I cussed. I partied. I was waiting for her to mess up. So, I could say how church people were hypocrites. Somehow, she managed to keep in love. I did not know, but, the Holy Spirit was in her and had sent her to help me. Well, there came a time, when my heart softened. I started to break apart. I was heartbroken. She tried to tell me about Jesus. She let me listen to some Joyce Meyer. I did an experiment. I decided on my own to just listen to Christian music. I picked 88.1 and some K-love. When I went back to secular HipHop music, God showed me how unhealthy it is. How it drags women down and reduces them to objects.
And then Anna took a three day vacation from work. It was then that something radical started happening. I started to hear His voice more intently and it was on a Wednesday. But, it was that Friday, May 7th, 2004, as I was sitting in my cubicle that I heard his voice and followed it. It was time for me to obey His call. I was under the shelter of His wings. I followed Him to a little church with a Spanish name and there was an open door. At the altar in that little church, the Holy Spirit gave me the words to say to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I remember the little table with the offering bowl sitting on top of it and it said: "Do This In Rememberence Of Me." You can argue and say what you want. You can deny Him if you want. But, when He comes it changes lives. The Spirit of a Mighty God is real. He is the maker of heaven and of earth. But, He is a gentleman and He has given us the choice to be saved. God gave us, His Creation, a choice. What did you choose?
Currently listening :
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Who Sings In The Spirit?
I hear the cry of the heart in the song and it sounds like my own heart's cry. My jaws clench teeth and I can feel the back teeth mash together. My throat hurts with agony as I listen to the disappointing sound spring from my lips. I want so bad to sing my love to my Lord. My God. I feel the breeze gently pull my hair around while I drive. Tears well up in my eyes. I try to speak to God but it just sqeeks out :"Father, I wish that I could sing in a beautiful voice to you." I find it hard to speak. How wretched that I can not sing with a voice like an angel! That is what my Father deserves. But, I can not offer Him that. My voice stills and tears fall. All I can offer Him is my emotions that stir in love for Him that is brought on by the sound of a singer's voice that I can not imitate along with the desire for God to be pleased by my own voice. What can I offer Him that stirs the spirit like a wonderful song? My heart sings to Him but my voice sounds nothing like the sound of my heart. What a strange conundrum. I wonder if He hears the song of my heart better than the sound of my voice? One thing the Holy Spirit has showed me is that those singers who truely can move people are those who can do both: They have a beautiful voice and they can sing with their heart. This is singing in the Spirit. There is a point when a singer is singing from their heart and they are singing with the Holy Spirit. Maybe, this is singing in Spirit and in Truth. That is true praise and true worship. There is such power and beauty in it. A person who can do such things can move an entire congregation to stand and rejoice or even to weep. I wonder if a person can be gifted with this and it happens everytime they sing, or does it only happen at certain times. Maybe, it depends on the Spirit's mood or His plan at that time. Are there those who have this gift permanently or does it come and go?Isaiah 13:4-5(NCV)Listen to the loud noise in the mountains, the sound of many people. Listen to the noise among the kingdoms, the sound of nations gathering together. The LORD All-Powerful is calling his army together for battle. This army is coming from a faraway land, from the edge of the horizon. In anger the LORD is using this army like a weapon to destroy the whole country.Psalm 42:1-2(NCV)As a deer thirsts for streams of water, so I thirst for you, God. I thirst for the living God. When can I go to meet with him?Psalm 40:3-5(NCV)He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many people will see this and worship him. Then they will trust the LORD. Happy is the person who trusts the LORD, who doesn't turn to those who are proud or to those who worship false gods. LORD my God, you have done many miracles. Your plans for us are many. If I tried to tell them all, there would be too many to count.
Currently listening : Mighty to Save By Hillsong Release date: 05 September, 2006 4:18 PM -
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
WANT TO BE MY FRIEND? (I deleted most of this because it pertains just to MySpace friends.
Some words from Proverbs(NCV):
17:17- "A friend loves you all the time, and a brother helps in time of trouble."
18:24- "Some friends may ruin you, but a real friend will be more loyal than a brother."
19:21- "People can make all kinds of plans, but only the LORD's plan will happen."
Currently listening : Born King By Rob Hodge 1:03 PM -
Friday, March 09, 2007
Doomsaying voices kick the bucket.
There they are again. I can hear them creeping up on me again, just annoying me with their doomsaying. I feel the heart anxiously wrestle with dread. I hate them! I wish they would just leave me alone! They sneak up next to me and whisper that I will not succeed. They tell me I will fail. They tell me I will be unable to find a job. They say that I will end up with nothing. But, I recognize them from the past. They were spoken over me when I was a child. And I have wrestled with them often. They are old voices wrapped in darkness and they are trying to get inside to tear me apart. But, I am a new creature. I am a child of the living God. So, I become annoyed and angry. I realize it is time for battle. I recognize this enemy and I know I am fighting a liar. And it will not win. So, I pick up one of my manuals for living, the Holy Bible. I focus on the first thing I come to and start to read from Proverbs. But, the enemy is strong. So, I lift my voice and out from my mouth, like a sword being pulled from its' sheath, I speak the words of my God. I become confident that He is with me and the words strengthen me. I come across this:
"My child, listen and accept what I say. Then you will have a long life. I am guiding you in the way of wisdom, and I am leading you on the right path. Nothing will hold you back; you will not be overwhelmed."-Proverbs 4:10-12 NCV
"My child pay attention to my words; listen closely to what I say. Don't ever forget my words; keep them always in mind.They are the key to life for those who find them; they bring health to the whole body. Be careful what you think, because thoughts run your life. Don't use your mouth to tell lies; don't ever say things that are not true. Keep your eyes focused on what is right and look straight ahead to what is good. Be careful what you do, and alsways do what is right. Don't turn off the road of goodness; keep away from evil paths."-Poverbs 4:20-27 NCV
Lord, I pray that you continue to strenghten, encourage me and guide me all the days of my life. Father, I am your child and forever I hold on to you. You lead me to paths of rightousness. Father, help me when I am weak and when the enemy tries to get in through weak moments and sneak attacks. You are my strength and my sword for battle. You are my strong tower and my leader in battle. I look to you Lord ,for I know that with you, I win. In Jesus name, Amen!
Currently listening :
Friday, February 09, 2007
Young, in college and grown up?
Well, I found myself wondering about them. Occasionally, I would glace over or hear their whispers and laughter. If they saw me looking, they would glance away like they were not doing anything. I would see someone imitating my body language and then there would be laughter. Oh, yes, to hear the talk of those who consider themselves more "cool" than I. They talk with "big" talk, making sure that they let the "F-word" or some other off-color word fly out of their mouths. You know, for that extra-cool emphasis. I found myself getting insecure, which always seems to happen when I am suddenly the object of behind-the-back attention. I am reminded of high school. That behavior that comes from those who are at that age that is supposed to be too grown up for the grown-ups. To be found that I am the object of unwanted attention, at the moment. I get this from different teenagers, like those teenage boys who are trying to impress their girlfriends by making fun of me. Or, those insecure teenage girls trying to impress their friends by insulting my looks. I remember this summer: I was going into Old Navy and there was 4 teenagers that were on their way out of that store. Picture this: one loud, teenage boy who was dressed in clothes that looked entirely too big for him(I know this is the style-guys too baggy, girls too tight), worn out, baggy pants with holes, with hair that looked like he just came out of a wind tunnel, loudly proclaiming: "Oh, look a dead poodle is on her head," at which point they all burst out laughing. This was to describe my newly permed hair. Well, I found myself talking to the Lord and I found out I had to repent. You see, I used to do the same thing. One thing I remember, as I was growing up, hanging out with my friends, is the conversations we used to have. We were so insecure. I would pick out someone who I thought was uglier than me and make fun of them. I was cruel. My favorite thing was to find a girl who I thought was prettier than me, then I would find something wrong with the way she looked. I would share it with my friends and we would laugh out loud-to something that just wasn't funny, nor was it right. Believe it or not, I have asked the Lord to forgive me for these kinds of stupid things that I have done. And this is one of them! What does it say about my character to be so mean? And even worse, to know that I still do it. Maybe, not to the same extent, but, sadly I still do it. I excuse it by making fun of a movie star or television personality. But, it still is not right. I am still in need of refinement! Man, I am reminded to praise God! Why would he want a wretch like me? Amazing Grace how sweet the sound! He has been my source of strength in my insecure times. Yeah, I thank God for his Holy Spirit living in me to help me become a better woman. And look, the LORD is still having to work on me with a thing that I thought I was too grown up to do. I wonder how many of us adults indulge in this behavior from time to time and excuse it as something else? Who would have thought that God would use my returning to college to be a work on my character?
Proverbs 16:2-You may believe you are doing right, but the LORD will judge your reasons.
Psalm131-LORD, my heart is not proud; I don't look down on others. I don't do great things, and I can't do miracles. But, I am calm and quiet, like a baby with its mother. I am at peace, like a baby with its mother. People of Isreal, put your hope in the LORD, now and forever.
Work or what!?-January 26, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
Work or what!? Current mood: grateful Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
I was in shock. Absolute shock. I don't know why. I had been told it would happen. Everyone of us had been told it would happen. But, still we held out hope. I put a little sign on my back and showed it to everyone. Trying to be funny. People would look at me and agree and smile with that strained sort of smile. And so my emotions were in chaos. My whole body had that heavy, warm feeling. So, I walked or drove around the plant on my forklift to try to calm down. There were so many of us that was fearful and angry. We had gotten the notice that we had the mandatory layoff with no chance of being recalled. What were we going to do? A little group formed when the bosses were not around. I worked with mainly men. So, there was that angry held back kind of mood. But, the underling emotion was the fear that penetrated into our very bones. What are you going to do? I told them that I was going to look into going back to school. But, what if it didn't work out? I guess I would try to get a job. But, where? There were hundreds of us being laid off. With our plant laying people off, it caused a ripple and other businesses were affected and laying off people as well. Where would we go? I knew that the job market would be saturated with desperate people. This was the most money I had ever made per hour. Now, there was that big possibility that I would soon have to find a job and take a pay cut. How was I going to provide for myself? Would I have to move back in with my parents? The Lord knows that I have nothing to fall back on. What if I looked into the schooling thing and it didn't work out? I could feel my very being falling back into heaviness. That depressive spirit was starting to soak in. I prayed. I reached out to other Christians at church. I even filled out that little card that asks: "How can we pray or rejoice for you this week?" I went to my home groups. I found others that had been affected. Times like this, it is so important to have friends. And those that can lift you up in prayer. The day before school started I was approved for the program to go back to school. It was a close one! I can not tell you how grateful I am. I praise God! Without the program, I would be unable to afford to go back to school. Only God could make a way for something like that.
Work or what!? Current mood: grateful Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
I was in shock. Absolute shock. I don't know why. I had been told it would happen. Everyone of us had been told it would happen. But, still we held out hope. I put a little sign on my back and showed it to everyone. Trying to be funny. People would look at me and agree and smile with that strained sort of smile. And so my emotions were in chaos. My whole body had that heavy, warm feeling. So, I walked or drove around the plant on my forklift to try to calm down. There were so many of us that was fearful and angry. We had gotten the notice that we had the mandatory layoff with no chance of being recalled. What were we going to do? A little group formed when the bosses were not around. I worked with mainly men. So, there was that angry held back kind of mood. But, the underling emotion was the fear that penetrated into our very bones. What are you going to do? I told them that I was going to look into going back to school. But, what if it didn't work out? I guess I would try to get a job. But, where? There were hundreds of us being laid off. With our plant laying people off, it caused a ripple and other businesses were affected and laying off people as well. Where would we go? I knew that the job market would be saturated with desperate people. This was the most money I had ever made per hour. Now, there was that big possibility that I would soon have to find a job and take a pay cut. How was I going to provide for myself? Would I have to move back in with my parents? The Lord knows that I have nothing to fall back on. What if I looked into the schooling thing and it didn't work out? I could feel my very being falling back into heaviness. That depressive spirit was starting to soak in. I prayed. I reached out to other Christians at church. I even filled out that little card that asks: "How can we pray or rejoice for you this week?" I went to my home groups. I found others that had been affected. Times like this, it is so important to have friends. And those that can lift you up in prayer. The day before school started I was approved for the program to go back to school. It was a close one! I can not tell you how grateful I am. I praise God! Without the program, I would be unable to afford to go back to school. Only God could make a way for something like that.
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